Misery Loves Company – I Won’t Be Yours

Misery loves company, I will not be yours.
You built your prison and filled it with stories instead of memories.
You wag that judgmental finger in my face.
It’s sad, watching you, clinging to your blame.
I am responsible for me, not you.
Take off the victim glasses.
See the world through the clear eyes of choice.
You don’t have to tear down my home to escape your prison.
Just let go. Stop holding onto all of those stories.
Start making memories. Grow up. Live!

A poet, I am not. I wrote this today whilst trying not to react to the desperate jabs of my ex-boyfriend’s broken heart. I’m beginning to think he will never learn how to truly let go of something and move on. He holds onto his hurts like a collection of knick knacks–he arranges them all neatly on shelves, he can recall when and how he acquired each one, he dusts them off so they stay clean and like new, and each one defines who he is. It’s really one of the saddest things I’ve ever witnessed.

He has so much potential, but he allows all of his baggage to define and direct his life rather than taking active control of where his path leads. He’s constantly looking at what’s happened (the past) or what he’s lost. How depressing is that? I prefer to look at what could happen (the future) and what I still have, and this strategy has gotten me through painful experiences by shifting the focus away from the negative and toward all the positives in my life.

He says this latest jab was an effort to show me what is wrong with me so I can decide whether I want to change or fix those things. Yeah, I’m going to take advice from someone who couldn’t see themselves if they were standing in front of a mirror. I will not be torn apart by the observations of someone who, for the majority of his 29 years, only experienced life through books and film. Yes, reading Sex for Dummies will teach you about dating, relationships and sex. But knowledge isn’t the same thing as experience.

He wrote that he had some very serious things to tell me but he couldn’t take it if I replied. He went on to write that a response to his e-mails wasn’t even necessary. Yep, that’s someone in touch with the dynamics of a relationship. Once you’ve experienced a wide range of what life has to offer, then I’ll listen to your observations on how I can improve as a person. Until you’re operating as an active person in society, I’m deaf to your words.

I see me. All of me. I know what I love about myself and I know what I detest. I will never change for anyone but me. No one will ever make me happy. No one will ever ruin my life. I think it actually disappointed him that I could live happily without him in my life. He never understood, and probably never will, that everyone should be able to live happily ever after by themselves. If you can’t, well, I’ve learned there’s something deep inside you that won’t ever allow you to be happy with someone else or love and be loved in the way you deserve. I’ve done a lot of personal growth throughout my 31 years. And I plan to continue that growth, hopefully on a daily basis.

I do not hate him. I do not feel much for him at all after the e-mails he sent this week. Not because of what he said, but for the fact that he refused to respect the boundaries we put in place when our relationship ended. He’s probably still checking my MySpace account and this blog on a daily basis. I asked him repeatedly not to write, yet he continued. All that shows me is he has a total lack of respect for boundaries and he is totally ignorant in how to handle his emotions when he’s hurt–neither of which is appealing or reassuring.

I hope he’ll find himself sooner than later, and I hope he achieves all of the potential I see in him. But I will not play along with the story he’s writing for himself on the topic of our relationship. Negativity is contagious and I’m putting him in quarantine. Misery loves company too much to let someone who’s happy, just be.

That’s why he and I, as lovers and as friends, are finished. I’ve known him for about five years so writing those words is a little sad. However, I know this is the right decision for both of us. If he could just see and accept that this could be one of the best things for him…